Guest story by Elliot!
--
A long time ago, in a land far away, the city of Asparagus lay wreathed in the early morning mist. Lotus woke up. Today was her big day! The day she would be fed to the dragon. She was so excited.
She dressed quickly in her nicest clothes and set off for the dragon's lair. She stood at the entrance of the dark, dark cave. "Hello? Mr. Dragon? It's me! I'm your sacrifice this month! Won't you come and eat me?"
The dragon lumbered out of the cave. "Why would I eat you?" the dragon asked. "You don't have that which I want most. You are an orphan! Your parents are dead and you hold no love for your grandmother. You love no one and are unloved. Why would I eat you?"
Lotus stood stock still. "Eat me!" she cried. "You are right! I'm so worthless, I can't even make Maggi Mee."
"Nah," said the dragon, "I can't eat too much junk food. Mother says I'm getting fat." It went back into the cave.
"What!?" Lotus yelled. "Oh! Oh! Fine! Bee that way! I'll just sit here until you do!"
"No I won't!"
Lotus sat down and began to weep. She would never meet her parents at this rate. If only grandmother cared about her.
"Lotus? Is that you?"
She whirled around. "Leather? On thank God you're here, that stupid dragon's been taunting me all day."
"Dragon, oh, yes." Lotus noticed his unusually ashen face. "Um, I'll go take care of it."
Leather inched his shaking knees into the cave. Lotus watch him with disdain. She snuck up behind him.
"Boo!"
He jumped a foot in the air and swung his sword around wildly. Lotus laughed. "You're not a very good knight, are you?"
"Not yet," he said, "but I will be, after I slay this dragon! They're always laughing at me, the other knights. Singing songs. 'Leather, Leather like a feather.' " he shuddered.
"Well, you can't kill the dragon until he eats me, okay?"
"Eats you!?" Leather said. "I can't let that happen to you!"
"But I have no reason to live!"
"But I love you!"
"Ah, true love, albeit one-sided." said the dragon.
The two humans screamed. Leather swung his sword. "Ow, my grey matter!" said the dragon as he died.
"Did you really mean it?" asked Lotus. "When you said you loved me?"
"Yes, Lotus."
"Awwwww."
They held hands.
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Sunday, 24 October 2010
Palace romance
Once there was a lonely boy named Hops. He served Queen Peanut as a footstool. Ever since he was young, he had been serving in her court. He was just a baby when evil Queen Peanut had abducted him from Scraemia.
So he grew up in the Queen's court, singing to keep himself company. Hops' favourite singer was Justin Bieber. He dreamed of fame and beauty and the lovely Princess Pocky.
Princess Pocky was born when Hops was just three years old. She was the most beautiful and tanned maiden in all the land. Hops had been admiring her from afar while she was fulfillingher daily princess-ly duties in the large, white palace.
One day, the Queen declared that Princess Pocky was now eligible for dating! 17-year-old Hops was overjoyed! He hopped into his bathtub to have a good scrub before meeting her royal highness, Queen Peanut, to ask for permission to take her charming daughter out on a date.
When Hops arrived before the Queen, he saw many other princes waiting to speak to Queen Peanut. The princes were standing in a line in front of the throne.
As Hops ran to join the line, he glanced at the prince beside him. It was Prince Vladimir Montgomery, the proud Russian heir to the throne.
Queen Peanut decided to test each of their skills. She ordered her servants to to prepare super well-done beef steaks while she briefed the princes about her daughters likes and dislikes.
Once they were well informed about exactly which shade of turquoise and lilac Princess Pocky preferred, and how many chocolate chips would be on top of a cookie served to her, among other things, they were ushered to the dining room.
Prince Thonk of Slumberland, who fell asleep during the Queen's lengthy briefing session, was plonked into a carriage to be sent back to his home town.
The remaining 8 princes and Hops were instructed to cut the tough steak into little squares, measuring 2cm by 3cm. This was to ensure that Princess Pocky could eat her steak with ease. The princes who did not succeed were kicked out of the palace.
There were now only 4 princes and Hops left. The next test was to see whether they could multi-task. They were instructed by Queen Peanut to row a kayak in a heart shaped path in the water, while snapping his fingers and ALSO while singing "Baby" by Justin Bieber (this was Princess Pocky's favourite song).
The four princes, Vladimir Montgomery of Russia, Jon Amadeus Ludwig of Plutomia, Bum Twister Gumdrop of Candyland, Dingdong Selbstklebend of Kedah and Hops were allocated a kayak each, then they were briefed again on the instructions and the rules. The rules were:
Prince Bum got the lyrics of "Baby" wrong and panicked. He tipped his own kayak over and drowned. Prince Vladimir and Hops were left. Queen Peanut assigned one last task, and this would determine who could take Princess Pocky out on a date.
Queen Peanut threw them each a sketchbook and told them to draw Princess Pocky. Unfortunately, poor prince Vladimir Montgomery did not know how the Princess' hair looked like. He drew a bad hairstyle, and so, Queen Peanut arranged for him to be sent back to Russia.
Hops tried to hide his happiness and excitement when Queen Peanut announced him as the winner. Princess Pocky then arrived in a white lace dress, tied at the waist with a shimmering crimson ribbon. She looked amazing. Hops felt faint at the sight of her.
Princess Pocky was not told of this competition, so as not to spoil the surprise. When her mother finally told her about Hops winning the competition, a look of disgust appeared on her face.
The ear-to-ear girn on Hops' face turned into a sad frown. The princess glanced at him and walked away, her skirt swishing beneath her. As she left the hall, Queen Peanut looked at Hops and whispered, "I'm sorry."
Tears fell on Hops' cheeks as he ran to meet Princess Pocky. She was in the garden. The Princess ran away when she saw Hops coming.
By now, Hops felt like her could explode. He was burning with anger and fury as he stomped up the stars to her room. Hops had often replaced her toilet paper when her personal servant was away. This was how he knew where her room was, in the 821-room palace.
When Princess Pocky came into the room and stood by her window to admire the scenery outside, Hops crept up from behind. Princess Pocky could see a faint reflection in the window glass.
When she turned to see who it was, Hops grabbed her neck. He tightened his grip when the Princess started to struggle. Hops leaned over and whispered in her ear, "If I can't have you, no. one. shall." With that, Princess Pocky let out a soft groan and died.
Hops dropped her onto the ground without feeling any sort of guilt or sadness. He kicked her limp body and laughed, a bitter, hollow laugh. "I love you Pocky," he said. "Too bad you're dead." Hops turned away and ran out of the palace.
He whistled and a gigantic squirrel came. He jumped onto its back and it hopped away into the sunset.
So he grew up in the Queen's court, singing to keep himself company. Hops' favourite singer was Justin Bieber. He dreamed of fame and beauty and the lovely Princess Pocky.
Princess Pocky was born when Hops was just three years old. She was the most beautiful and tanned maiden in all the land. Hops had been admiring her from afar while she was fulfillingher daily princess-ly duties in the large, white palace.
One day, the Queen declared that Princess Pocky was now eligible for dating! 17-year-old Hops was overjoyed! He hopped into his bathtub to have a good scrub before meeting her royal highness, Queen Peanut, to ask for permission to take her charming daughter out on a date.
When Hops arrived before the Queen, he saw many other princes waiting to speak to Queen Peanut. The princes were standing in a line in front of the throne.
As Hops ran to join the line, he glanced at the prince beside him. It was Prince Vladimir Montgomery, the proud Russian heir to the throne.
Queen Peanut decided to test each of their skills. She ordered her servants to to prepare super well-done beef steaks while she briefed the princes about her daughters likes and dislikes.
Once they were well informed about exactly which shade of turquoise and lilac Princess Pocky preferred, and how many chocolate chips would be on top of a cookie served to her, among other things, they were ushered to the dining room.
Prince Thonk of Slumberland, who fell asleep during the Queen's lengthy briefing session, was plonked into a carriage to be sent back to his home town.
The remaining 8 princes and Hops were instructed to cut the tough steak into little squares, measuring 2cm by 3cm. This was to ensure that Princess Pocky could eat her steak with ease. The princes who did not succeed were kicked out of the palace.
There were now only 4 princes and Hops left. The next test was to see whether they could multi-task. They were instructed by Queen Peanut to row a kayak in a heart shaped path in the water, while snapping his fingers and ALSO while singing "Baby" by Justin Bieber (this was Princess Pocky's favourite song).
The four princes, Vladimir Montgomery of Russia, Jon Amadeus Ludwig of Plutomia, Bum Twister Gumdrop of Candyland, Dingdong Selbstklebend of Kedah and Hops were allocated a kayak each, then they were briefed again on the instructions and the rules. The rules were:
- Do not snap your fingers according to the beat of the song.
- Do not slouch while rowing.
- Do not fall out of the kayak.
- Do row your kayak in a constant heart-shape.
- Do sing in time and get all lyrics correct.
Prince Bum got the lyrics of "Baby" wrong and panicked. He tipped his own kayak over and drowned. Prince Vladimir and Hops were left. Queen Peanut assigned one last task, and this would determine who could take Princess Pocky out on a date.
Queen Peanut threw them each a sketchbook and told them to draw Princess Pocky. Unfortunately, poor prince Vladimir Montgomery did not know how the Princess' hair looked like. He drew a bad hairstyle, and so, Queen Peanut arranged for him to be sent back to Russia.
Hops tried to hide his happiness and excitement when Queen Peanut announced him as the winner. Princess Pocky then arrived in a white lace dress, tied at the waist with a shimmering crimson ribbon. She looked amazing. Hops felt faint at the sight of her.
Princess Pocky was not told of this competition, so as not to spoil the surprise. When her mother finally told her about Hops winning the competition, a look of disgust appeared on her face.
The ear-to-ear girn on Hops' face turned into a sad frown. The princess glanced at him and walked away, her skirt swishing beneath her. As she left the hall, Queen Peanut looked at Hops and whispered, "I'm sorry."
Tears fell on Hops' cheeks as he ran to meet Princess Pocky. She was in the garden. The Princess ran away when she saw Hops coming.
By now, Hops felt like her could explode. He was burning with anger and fury as he stomped up the stars to her room. Hops had often replaced her toilet paper when her personal servant was away. This was how he knew where her room was, in the 821-room palace.
When Princess Pocky came into the room and stood by her window to admire the scenery outside, Hops crept up from behind. Princess Pocky could see a faint reflection in the window glass.
When she turned to see who it was, Hops grabbed her neck. He tightened his grip when the Princess started to struggle. Hops leaned over and whispered in her ear, "If I can't have you, no. one. shall." With that, Princess Pocky let out a soft groan and died.
Hops dropped her onto the ground without feeling any sort of guilt or sadness. He kicked her limp body and laughed, a bitter, hollow laugh. "I love you Pocky," he said. "Too bad you're dead." Hops turned away and ran out of the palace.
He whistled and a gigantic squirrel came. He jumped onto its back and it hopped away into the sunset.
Love Letters
My dear Lotus,
I miss you with a fiery passion. I cannot control my transports whenever I think of you. My heart aches when I remember that you are so far away. Wait for me, my sweet. I will be home soon, once this war ends.
Yours lovingly forever and ever,
Leather
Darling Leather,
I cannot wait to see you again. I am tired of crying myself to sleep every night. I miss the way you smile at me, the way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you do everything you do. Hurry home, my precious love.
All my love,
Lotus
My precious Lotus,
Oh how I cried when I received your letter. It was like a ray of sunshine in this dreary army camp. Today we will have to battle with the land of Scraemia. I will be fighting alongside sir Barrs, my comrade since young. I am afraid. Stay strong for me, honey pie.
With a billion kisses and a billion hugs to match,
Yours most ardently,
Leather
Dearest Leather,
I send you my treasured handkerchief to wish you luck. As you fight the battle think of me, my sugarplum. I will try my very best to stay strong. Send my regards to Sir Barrs.
I will be praying for you both.
Missing you.
Lotus
My dear Leather,
You have kept me waiting for what seemed like forever for your reply. I am terribly anxious and worried about you. Please write soon. I will be waiting. I just want you to know that you mean a lot to me and I love you dearly. My love for you grows stronger each day.
Yours perfervidly,
Lotus
Mademoiselle Lotus,
I am very sorry to tell you this but Sir Leather was brutally wounded in the battle, and he died shortly thereafter. Enclosed in this letter is a handkerchief I found in his vest. I think he would have liked for you to have it.
I am extremely sorry for your loss, and I hope that if you need a shoulder to cry on, know that I will always be ready for you. Just call for me and I shall be there. I just want you to know that I have always loved you, and if your heart is not ready to love again I completely understand, for I can wait as long as the sun and the moon still shine. So with all the love in my heart I ask you this: Will you be the bright and shining star to lead me home?
Yours,
Barrs
I miss you with a fiery passion. I cannot control my transports whenever I think of you. My heart aches when I remember that you are so far away. Wait for me, my sweet. I will be home soon, once this war ends.
Yours lovingly forever and ever,
Leather
Darling Leather,
I cannot wait to see you again. I am tired of crying myself to sleep every night. I miss the way you smile at me, the way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you do everything you do. Hurry home, my precious love.
All my love,
Lotus
My precious Lotus,
Oh how I cried when I received your letter. It was like a ray of sunshine in this dreary army camp. Today we will have to battle with the land of Scraemia. I will be fighting alongside sir Barrs, my comrade since young. I am afraid. Stay strong for me, honey pie.
With a billion kisses and a billion hugs to match,
Yours most ardently,
Leather
Dearest Leather,
I send you my treasured handkerchief to wish you luck. As you fight the battle think of me, my sugarplum. I will try my very best to stay strong. Send my regards to Sir Barrs.
I will be praying for you both.
Missing you.
Lotus
My dear Leather,
You have kept me waiting for what seemed like forever for your reply. I am terribly anxious and worried about you. Please write soon. I will be waiting. I just want you to know that you mean a lot to me and I love you dearly. My love for you grows stronger each day.
Yours perfervidly,
Lotus
Mademoiselle Lotus,
I am very sorry to tell you this but Sir Leather was brutally wounded in the battle, and he died shortly thereafter. Enclosed in this letter is a handkerchief I found in his vest. I think he would have liked for you to have it.
I am extremely sorry for your loss, and I hope that if you need a shoulder to cry on, know that I will always be ready for you. Just call for me and I shall be there. I just want you to know that I have always loved you, and if your heart is not ready to love again I completely understand, for I can wait as long as the sun and the moon still shine. So with all the love in my heart I ask you this: Will you be the bright and shining star to lead me home?
Yours,
Barrs
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